Warren Buffett is a Selfish Bastard

I kicked a cat today, which wasn't very nice.  Especially since it wasn't my cat.  I've been in a bad mood lately, and the Oracle of Omaha is to blame.  Despite combing the newspaper every day looking for some selfish motive for Buffett's incredible generosity, I've found nothing.

It's shaken the very foundation of my existence.  I've even questioned the central tenet of Selfish Giving, that pure altruism doesn't exist, and that selfishness is at the bottom of every well of generosity.  I've exposed others: Jimmy Carter, Mother Theresa, Pope John Paul--all grandstanding media hogs.  But Buffett has eluded me.

Until now.

Behind every great fortune lies a great crime.  The industrialists of the last century built their fortunes on the backs of the common man.  The way Buffett has built his fortune has been just plain common, but equally despicable, with investments in furniture stores and junk food (aka "crack dealers") like Dairy Queen, Coca-Cola and McDonald's.  Just think of some of the crimes that have been committed with furniture (e.g. "The Burning Bed").  And as if selling gasoline-soaked Craftmatics wasn't bad enough he's fattening up the calorically-challenged with soft drinks, Big Macs and Blizzards.  The man should have a Dilly Bar driven through his heart and be buried in a sofa bed.

Taxes are for the little people.  Giving away his money is just another way for Buffett to skip out on paying taxes to the government that allowed him to accumulate his great wealth in the first place.  Why not give the money to Uncle Sam so the little guy can get a tax break on those $300 toilet seats the Pentagon is buying (for Iraqis)?  Buffet isn't just selfish; he's un-American. 

He gave his money to Beelzebub.  Microsofts' competitors have a nickname for Bill Gates: Satan.  And this is the guy to whom Buffet gave $30 billion dollars?  With all of Buffett's money, world domination is finally within Gates' reach.  That's why he's quitting his day job.  Reducing the peoples of the world to slavery is not a part-time gig.

He isn't leaving any of it to me.  If Buffett was truly and deeply altruistic he would have given his money to someone who is most needy, but not very deserving, in hopes that it would save the sinner from almost certain destruction.  That person would be me.

But he didn't, which is probably a good thing since he would have been disappointed.  Like another blogger, "I plan to accumulate frantically until I fall off the perch.  That way there will still be some left for my son to take up when he's grown out of swimsuit models and investment advice from his school friends." 

Amen.

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